Some of you may recall that last year I attended a Mixed Martial Arts event (review), followed by the Chippendales (review). As I stated in my MMA review I believe I had failed the “maleness test,” since I actually enjoyed the Chippendales show compared to the MMA fights. In fact, my MMA review received some pretty heated email exchanges between me and a few of the fighters who didn’t take too kindly to my comparison of a Chippendales show to an MMA fight.
So this year I set out to see if I could muster the courage to try and pass the maleness test. This year would be different! I had the perfect strategy going in – my wife!
Yes, I figured I could bring my wife along, and once she started drooling over all the eye candy my jealous side would kick in and, voila, we would get into a good ole fight, leave in a huff, and have great make up sex the next day.
Now if you’ve never been to a Chippendales show, there’s a whole different kind of energy from the all-female audience. Yes, there is a smattering of males, usually gay, or whipped (if you get my meaning), but for the most part it’s nothing but women, which is why I enjoy the show – no seriously!
As the show opened with Chippendale dancers Jace Crispin, Chaun Thomas, John Rivera, Kenny King, Nathan Minor, Sami Eskelin, all coming out on stage showing off their wares, I was keeping an eye on Ruth (that’s my wife), to make sure that she wasn’t feeling that different kind of energy. While she had a smirk, I didn’t detect any outright drooling, at least for the moment, nor was she diving at the stage like most of the women.
As the show continued with the men ripping off their orange speedos (Ruth’s favorite color) they would strategically cover themselves with hats, hands or whatever was handy. I think Thunder Valley should spend a little more money on their heating system, because it looked like it might have been a little chilly in Pano Hall – I’m just saying.
Making their way through the audience, the men would stop and perform a quick little grinding action with some of the women. As they did, all the other women would scream, cheer, grab, and just downright go nuts trying to get a piece of the guys – that’s part of that special kind of energy I was referring to earlier.
At one point several women were asked onstage to act out different scenarios. One did her best lap dance, another demonstrated her favorite “position”, while another showed off her ability to place a condom on . . . a banana. Each woman performed their tasks with one of the Chippendales.
Of course the show wouldn’t be complete without the men coming out dressed as firemen, and construction workers.
It did get a tad risqué as several of the men went through the motions of masturbating. One was on a bed with a pillow while the other two were in chairs. It was at this point I realized I had forgotten about Ruth. I turned around and saw that she was laughing at me!
After the show Ruth told me she couldn’t help but laugh, since as I was drooling for the better part of the show. Damn, I hate that different kind of energy!!!
OMG! I wasn’t sure if I was going to be able to write this after the Chippendale’s performance at Thunder Valley Casino Resort Wednesday night.
It was only after taking a cold shower and having a glass ““ scratch that ““ a bottle of wine that I was able to start thinking clearly.
What? No! The water heater went out and a “glass” of wine is how I like to end my day.
My intent on writing this is to warn any unsuspecting women who may decide to take in a show like the Chippendales’. Don’t. Seriously, nobody liked the show!
It was quite obvious that every woman in the place, which was around 99.9 percent of the people, couldn’t stand the show. I couldn’t believe it! I was completely dumbfounded. They were screaming “Get off!” almost the entire show. The Chippendales never got the message. They stayed onstage the whole time!
The strange thing is when they finally ended the show and did get off the stage, all the women started screaming “More, more, more.” I know, I find women confusing, too. They say one thing and mean another. (Come to think of it, they may have been screaming “Take it off!”)
As for the men onstage, I felt bad for these guys. It appeared to be a little chilly in the room, but that didn’t seem to dampen their enthusiasm. All I can say is I was feeling a tad inadequate at this point.
The biggest criticism I have of the show? It was the most disgusting display of pure
animalistic behavior I have ever witnessed. It was really quite a sight to see. None of the women could keep it together. They were falling over in the aisles, standing on chairs, trying to get back stage, onstage, or anywhere close to those big hunks. Now hold on a minute! I’m only referring to them as big hunks because I know that’s how women refer to those large glistening bodies of pure muscle and all their gyrating ways.
I will say there was definitely an excitement in the air as the show progressed, but it’s difficult for me to explain the atmosphere. I liken it to when I receive a package from FedEx that I have to sign for because I know it’s got to be something really cool, otherwise I wouldn’t have to sign for it. Well, that’s the way all the ladies were acting, but I guess they weren’t interested in a FedEx package.
Speaking of packages ““ the Chippendales were the complete package, with eight of the most physically perfect male dancers all competing for the audience’s attention, all dressed in their trademark bow ties and shirt cuffs with bare torso, at least some of the time.
The opening was quite dramatic with the stage dark and ominous and smoke filling the air. One by one they took center stage with a lone spotlight lighting their muscular curves and superior physique. Is it getting hot in here?
The first few routines found these delectable morsels stripping down to pretty much nothing ““ why do I keep writing like this? Delectable morsels? Now I’m starting to worry.
As each layer came off, the decibel levels in Pano Hall rose exponentially. People were gathering outside trying to get a glimpse of the show. Quite the curious crowd.
A couple of times during the show, they danced around the audience, going down aisles and over chairs. One of the Chippendales was looking for someone to give an autographed poster to. He found her when he exclaimed she deserved it for grabbing his penis. Yes ““ there you have it. I said it, now it’s out there for all to see.
Several people had the opportunity to jump onstage. In one case three ladies were in a game show where they were told to complete a task. The first one had to perform her best lap dance on one of the Chippendales. The second had to demonstrate her favorite position when making love, and the third had to demonstrate her favorite way of putting on a condom. The third won due to her technique and the timely fashion of completing her task. Oh ““ I should clarify. She put it on a banana.
This was definitely ladies’ night out. There were a few men in attendance, and you could tell which ones were straight. They were carrying a ball and chain and didn’t look all too happy. I believe my count was two husbands/significant others in attendance.
The show was so successful that Thunder Valley had to provide additional seats to accommodate the larger-than-expected crowd.
After the show, the Chippendales remained onstage so audience members could have their photos taken with their favorites. I declined. They also announced they would be going to Thunder Valley’s Falls Bar for an after-party. [Insert loud cheers here.]
So at the end of the day I feel like I was able to embrace my inner gayness and survive. As I’m sitting here writing this, I’m convinced that I have no lingering side effects from the show.
Well I have to go. I just started to redecorate the house and have to put up these curtains that are simply to die for. And if you think that’s something, wait until you see my new landscape design. We can talk about it over the nice gourmet meal that I’m preparing.
To all my gay friends, including my kids god parents – no offense! Next time Dean, your coming with.
Fifty individuals, male and female, competed for various categories including Mr. and Ms. California, bodybuilding, fitness and bikini. All competitors had to undergo a polygraph the night before the event to ensure there had been no drug use over the past seven years. Both the NGA and Fitness in Mind’s Johnny “The Motivator” Carrero are dedicated to ensuring this event remains drug-free and all-natural. Proceeds from the event benefit local educational programs teaching young athletes the harmful side-effects of anabolic steroids.
This was my first bodybuilding event, and I have to say the amount of effort the competitors put into this competition is amazing. It’s like a musician preparing for a concert. Not only are these people hitting the gym for hours a day, but they are religious about what they put into and on their bodies. Yes, on their bodies. They lather on coloring to give them either a dark or light tan and, in some cases, a golden hue. Paul Alberts was a real golden color. Alberts’ wife shouted words of encouragement during the morning show, much to the audience’s amusement.
Paul Alberts posing at the NGA Mr/Ms California bodybuilding competition in Folsom, CA (Image by: Randy Miramontez)
I overheard one competitor talking about being flat and how he needed to eat some protein bars with more sodium and drink a gallon of water before the evening show. He was still going to eat his bioplex whey and add another coat or two of color. And these people strive for all-natural?
All-natural aside, these folks are ripped. I was going to say these kids, but there were several groups referred to as masters, aka seniors. The age groups for the masters are Masters (40-49), Grand Masters (50-59) and Ultra Masters (60 and up). Mohammed Daunish was the only competitor in the Ultra Masters, at the young age of 73!
Mohammed Daunish posing at the NGA Mr/Ms California bodybuilding competition in Folsom, CA (Image by: Randy Miramontez)
The big prize for the evening was pro status for the Men’s and Women’s Open, earning the right to compete at the professional level. The winner of the Men’s Open received a very cool sword, while the winner under the womens category received a trophy and flowers. Below are all the winners for the evening’s events. They were all rock stars in their own right, deserving their own concert.
Men’s Ultra Masters: Mohammed Daunish
Men’s Grand Masters: Dave Blumgold
Men’s Masters: Paul Alberts
Men’s Overall: Dave Blumgold
Women’s Masters (40+): Debbie Lockwood
Masters Figure Short: Kelly Lombardi
Masters Figure Tall: Jennifer Burger
Women’s Overall: Jennifer Burger
Bikini: Meredith Murdock
Women’s Open: Debbie Lockwood
Men’s Light Weight: James Simmons
Men’s Middle Weight: Daniel Korman
Men’s Light Heavy Weight: Erik Holm
Men’s Heavy Weight: Dave Blumgold
Open Figure Short: Jennifer Flores
Open Figure Medium: Jennifer Burger
Open Figure Tall: Teo Schoer
Ms. California (pro qualifier): Jennifer Burger
Jennifer Burger wins the Ms. California title at the NGA Mr/Ms California bodybuilding competition in Folsom, CA (Image by: Randy Miramontez)
Mr. California (pro qualifier): Erik Holm
Erik Holm wins Mr. California at the NGA Mr/Ms California bodybuilding competition in Folsom, CA (Image by: Randy Miramontez)